mmm

Oh Homestar.. how i love thee

The Past Is Real

So i was going through my closet today because my family is having yet another garage sale coming up here in a bit.. anyway I'm an avid Journal person.. not only online but on paper also ;) lol. See this is how it goes.. I get journals all of the time for my birthday's and such and I'll keep a journal for about a month.. maybe two and then i'll get bored and i'll just stick it in my closet and then the next time i get a journal as a gift i start that one and then stick it in my closet.. u know a continuous neverending cycle

so i was looking through my closet and i found this journal that i'd kept when i was like 11 and i read it and it was so cute! i was such a loser! it talks about boys that i think are cute and whatever and it's just funny to read it.. and then the last page was me when i was 15 and it was like "hey .. well i found this and thought i'd update... i'm 15 now! can you believe it!" lol and i just looked at that and had to have a giggle.. lol it's like reading someone elses journal.. everything is so weird because i don't remember writing that stuff! and now, being a big bad 18 year old i wrote in it again.. and stored it away.. to later find it and have another little giggle.

Then i found ANOTHER journal! my journal from the begining of two summers ago! aww that was fun to read! because it wasn't that long away yet i still didn't remember writing it so it was just fun to see how much fun i had that summer.. it's like so happy that it makes me sad.. you know that it's already gone.. ne way i found a letter that i wrote to myself this summer it was like "don't let people get you down, i know your emotions are fragile but you can beat them. They don't mean that they don't like you you just take it that way. Look forward and be happy every second you can. don't hide your emotions either.. they are fragile but you are strong, if they break you can fix them. i'm proud of you and i know you will do well" I wrote it to myself.. it's so weird.. but it was nice.. to know that i had such a good grasp on my emotions at some point in time and it just really reminded me that i need to try to get that back because it's time.. i've had enough hiding.. it's time. it pretty much made my day to know that I (16) was proud of me now (18) and even though it is the dumbest thing that i could have ever written.. it meant a lot.. like someone else was saying it.. but it was me.. so it almost means more.. hmm well those are just some thoughts

and yes i am keeping a journal on paper now.. ;) that won't last long tho.

You learn something new everyday

If i have learned one thing this week.. it is stay off line when you're not thinking right.. o man! commenting is crazy when you think you're being clever and really you are not *court read my xanga tehe*

OH AND THANKS FOR CALLING ME BACK U FOOL!
megs

Which Song..?!

I don't fujucking know.. ur song!

If I could Be anything..

I would be song.

A life without Blog...

Oh man, what a dreary place that would be. Cold, Dark, and Just plain unhappy. You wake up one morning, the air is crisp, the sun is just stretching across the pale blue sky. You heat up that cup of Java you've been dreaming about ever so carelessly. You Yawn. You smile to yourself.. what a life what a life. "Hm, I will check my emails," you say, nonchalantly, as you do every morning. Aw, what a life indeed. The gentle clicks of the ever so familiar keyboard sound as you routinely go through the motions to wake up your computer and join the, already half a billion people across the world, on the life we so subtly call "The Internet." As you type in the URL that seemingly holds your destiny, you ever so calmly sip the not so hot coffee sitting to the right of your mouse bad. And with one unconciously giant leap of faith you click "return" unknowing of what awaits you. Approximately 1.24 seconds whisps passed and as the irritation starts to rise you put the mug down. The mug that you have used every morning for at least the passed month no longer seems appealing to you. 2.55 seconds. How in the world could you have been making coffee when all you needed to do was blog. 3.44 seconds. And then, the unthinkable happens. A rectangle, no bigger than your last report card, pops up where your nicely HTML"D page is supposed to be. "could not find server. press reload." No No No! Crazy thoughts jump in and out of your mind. Your once calmed and sultry fingers now stab at the mouse that you know and love. clicking, desiring, waiting. no longer seconds, but minutes pass by. A tear escapes the corner of your left eye. No blog? what a life.. what a life.. what a life indeed.

LOL! mm blogging.. thank GOD it finally worked!
Megs

I will always.

Mm I watched "Moulin Rouge" today :). (Compliments of the ever so amazing Courtney Paige. Thank you) I cried .. I cried a LOT! It was such a weird movie but it was so emotional! I've been realizing lately that I will never get my fairy tale romance. I know I know! I'm 18 I don't even know what love is.. and it's true, I don't. But the love that I want doesn't exist. I've always been overly afraid of being alone. If there is a phobia where you can't be alone, I have it. And for the life of me I do not want to end up alone, the fat cat lady... that may very well be my worst nightmare. But I don't want anything less than what I want and what I want is impossible. How does that work!? It doesn't.. thats called compromise, but, Courtney, as only you would know on this here blog, I do NOT compromise well.

My Male Wish List:
I want the telltale romance where we both see eachother across the street/at the concert/in the mall/at the louvre (location of little importance as of late) And we KNOW, no doubts, not resistence.. just an incredible connection stronger than any comfort ever embraced by a soul. Then as anyone would do we ignore this emotional tug and go our seperate ways. For the next week/week and a half we both toss and turn in our beds, how could we let that go? why did I not go and talk to him? we were meant to be together! Then randomly, when it feels all hope of regaining happiness, regaining that once true unexplainable feeling is lost we meet again. Across the street/ at the concert/ in the mall/ at the louvre (location still last in importance) But how can this be ignored, we must talk, it is fate. Our destiny revealed in each other. In the daylight, with the blinding crowd of people, it is only him and I, I and him, hand in hand emotionally. Not talking, but knowing. And knowing feels so good. Never again would I look at another boy, not out of guilt but because boys don't exist anymore, only him. Him and I. Completely, genuinely, movie-fashioned, In Love.

Head Over Heels In Love

If I ever write a movie (which is the only REAL thing I long to do, besides meet mister right) And a character in my movie dies, her last words to her lover would be "I will Always.".. I will always... if ever three words could be so poetic. mm

Obsessing about the hour glass

So as far as my days go today was just fine and dandy. I went jogging today because I decided my obsession with laziness just wasn't working out and i saw four squirrels in one yard.. they were all anxiously jumping around and when they saw me they all fought to climb up the same tree... now in my complete state of mental toughness *jogging* i found myself smiling.. smiling and jogging. can you imagine what a sight that must have been? Jogging is not my forte.. but i try. hmm what a day what a day.

We'll laugh about it like we knew what was going to happen..

Well, I suppose I will start a regular blog pattern here on Blogspot. It was my philosophy that having 5 blogs and only writing in one was sufficient, but as I've learned with different audiences come different opinions. So hello.. my name is Megan. I am a unique, energetic, confused, messed up 18 year old, but how many 18 year olds can say they're all together? Not many. I'd go with the word "average" but because of the taunting illusions that word marks on my mind I tend to stray from it. I find that my life takes turns almost every day. I don't know how interesting one life can be, but I can garauntee you one thing: the truth. I display my feelings as well as I can when I feel them. So with no further adu : True Life : Megan Leigh

Saphire rings of amber hate: how can living feel so small?

How can this life we seem to lead, tempt us to leave reality. How are our minds manipulated through our own self thought?! Why do we feel so lonely; so tired, when we know that we are not. Can you tell me why my tears flow daily, why my emotions seem to twist in knots. Can you lead my on my faithless journey, my soul is weak and I can not. My eyes feel heavy, my heart feels empty, so alone so alone so alone. My only option is to navigate my own pity to an unreality ununiform spot. When i feel so weak so tired so alone I cry for myself and nobody knows. how can i feel so fucking pathetic, when i feel my life should be more. Can you just PLEASE tell me what i should do because I don't want to live like this anymore. I feel so pathetic.. but theres nothing i can do.